Can You Successfully Negotiate With A Bully?

The point of negotiating is to get into a better position. In every deal, there is give and there is take. The question becomes how much one party is willing to give and how much the other party is willing to take?

Although there is a notion that most negotiations end with a “win/win” resolution, that is not the case the majority of the time. One party will always benefit more than the other. This is especially true when one of the negotiators initiates with a “bully” tactic.

Usually, the party considered the bully comes from a position of dominance and/or strength, using that to be more of the taker as opposed to the giver, and tends to be the winner with all other parties being the losers.  This tactic is mainly used by parties who are weak communicators and weak negotiators. The tactic is usually weaponized early to dominate the exchange and to shut down and limit the other party’s options.

There are other styles of negotiations that should be known as well.  Especially, because the party on the other end of the bully needs to assess their desired outcome and how best to achieve it. 

The Five Primary Negotiation Styles

1. Compete (I Win / You Lose)

• Commonly used by bullies

• Transactional and one-sided

• Often forces the other party to either accommodate, avoid, or compromise quickly

2. Accommodate (I Lose / You Win)

• Used by those in a weaker position hoping to maintain peace or secure future opportunities

• Sacrifices short-term needs for long-term hopes

3. Avoid (I Lose / You Lose)

• No resolution is pursued

• Both parties disengage, and mutual interests suffer

4. Compromise (I Win Some / You Win Some)

• A quick, practical way to reach middle ground

• Often seen as “fair,” though neither side gets exactly what they want

5. Collaborate (I Win / You Win)

• Ideal in long-term relationships

• Encourages creativity and mutual gain

• Requires trust, time, and shared goals

The bully’s default is the Compete style. To counter it, you need to be deliberate and strategic about your approach.

When one party voluntarily or involuntarily enters into negotiations with a bully, it is important to understand some of the characteristics of the bully and how to navigate dealing with them.

Bullies thrive on power imbalance and fear. In order to create some leverage, the sense of control has to be disrupted: 

• Don’t react emotionally

• Stay calm, direct, and assertive

• Do not be easily intimidated

• Resist being confrontational

• Be firm and steady in your communication

Bullies want control, not dialogue. Force a conversation:

• Use open-ended questions that make them explain or justify their demands. This subtly shifts the power by forcing them to engage.

• Use strategic silence after they make unreasonable demands can create discomfort and compel them to fill the space—sometimes with concessions.

Expose the power imbalance without calling the bully out directly. Instead of calling out the bullying (which can escalate things), address their behavior with tact:

• “It feels like this conversation is moving in a very one-sided direction. I’d like to find a solution that works for both of us.”

• “Help me understand—what’s the value to you in taking this approach?”

This makes them confront the fact that their approach isn’t collaborative, without you directly attacking them.

If the bully won’t engage in anything but dominance, consider walking away. Even if your position is weak, signaling that you have options can shift the tone.  

If you're in a weaker position, sometimes the only way to counter a bully is to bring in a third party—like escalating to a mediator, seeking support from others who may be impacted, or even appealing to external consequences like legal.

If they’re bulldozing the terms, shift the conversation to the process:

• “Before we get into specifics, can we agree on how we want to approach this conversation?”

• Even suggesting ground rules (time limits, what’s on/off the table) can change the tempo and give you more footing.

It is possible to successfully negotiate with a bully.  However, in most cases, the definition and measure of that success maybe one of the below:

• Limiting your losses

• Preserving your dignity

• Creating space for a better negotiation in the future

• Or, shifting the bully into a more collaborative style (rare but possible)

  
  

Negotiating with a bully isn’t easy, but it’s possible—and often necessary. While you may not walk away with a perfect deal, you can walk away with your strategy intact and your values uncompromised. The key is to be smarter, calmer, and more strategic than the person trying to steamroll you. So, can you actually negotiate with a bully? The short answer is yes, but success might look different than you expected or wanted.

By Ylanda T. Wilhite

Source:s Scotwork, SFE Partners, Assistance Chat GPT